Trusting the Process

Even when you don't know where you're headed

The beautiful streets of Oaxaca…streets I could walk on for hours with no destination in mind

Hey. I’m back from hibernation.

I can’t begin to describe how good it feels so good to sit down on my computer with the intention to write. Not to search for a job, not to watch mindless TV, not to check my emails. Writing on substack brings me such joy and clarity, yet I have been making excuses for months now as to why I cannot do it. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough to say.

I’ve come to realize that while there is ALWAYS 10-15 minutes of your day that you could carve out for joy, there is not always the energy within you to do so. It’s a new phenomenon for me, as I’ve never felt as mentally drained as I have these past few months. While I used to always have the energy to incorporate my needs/dreams/passions into my day, I entered an era where my new guidelines for a good day became whether I was able to complete the full day at work. By the time I got home, there was no spark in me that wanted to create. Or maybe I wanted to, but I physically felt like I couldn’t. I felt stuck, confused, unfamiliar, and uninspired.

I needed a new job-a different job. I needed my life to look different so that I could feel different. My day to day was not cutting it for me. I needed more time in the morning to work out in order to enjoy how I felt moving through the day. I needed a hint of excitement about my future and where I was headed in order to feel like I could bring joy and perspectives to conversations. It’s hard to talk about your life when you don’t like the things happening in your life. For someone like me, who gains energy from talking with friends, it felt like I had to constantly suppress the pain I was experiencing because it’s not fun or energizing to only hear someone complain. I felt at odds with myself and with my life and I knew I needed a change.

But, I have never been one to trust the process. Or play the long game. Or wait for my nail polish to dry. What I am trying to say is- I am not a naturally patient person.

For a long time, my impatience didn’t bother me too much. While impatience is frequently viewed with a negative connotation (rightfully so in most situations), I led myself to believe that my impatience is what gets the job done. I told myself it’s what got me good grades in school, what led me to create fun plans right after hearing about something fun, why I make impulsive and spontaneous decisions, and why my actions flow into results. And maybe it is.

YET- I was dumbfounded to realize how tragically vital patience becomes when you are dealing with situations wildly out of your control. It doesn’t matter how quickly you submit the job application- the company might not get back to you for weeks. It doesn’t matter how quickly you want your relationship with your dad to change- relationships take TWO people and you only have control over ONE. It doesn’t matter if you say and do all the right things- you can’t force the guy you have a crush on to fall in love with you. Lol. I like when things happen quickly. When a + b = c. So needless to say, I’ve been extremely frustrated at how long things have been taking to work out. It doesn’t matter how many quotes I read telling me that “there is a life to be lived in the waiting” or that “good things take time”, I will still feel completely irritated and uncomfortable as I watch and feel the time tick by, waiting for the next opportunity to make progress. I had to shift my mindset and my points of validation from big to small. Completing small tasks that will lead to preferred end results in time. Celebrating small wins and giving myself time to recharge.

In a Substack post by Madeleine Dore, she writes:

“It’s a comfort to know we are never really stuck because there is always, always, something moving. It might just be moving at a different speed to what we’re used to. Sometimes we just need to allow time to stretch around us a little, or trust it is happening below the surface.”

During Valentine’s Day Weekend, I went to Oaxaca, Mexico for 4 nights to visit my best friend, spiritual guru, and soul sister Chelsey. She is living her dream, traveling from one destination to another, and learning so much about herself and the world around her. Being in a new place, surrounded by culture, color, and music was everything I needed and more. I could feel myself finally exhale and enjoy the feeling of being me.

To this point, another one of my favorite Substack writers, Caroline Cala Donofrio shares:

“A lot can be gleaned by a change of scenery. Travel, near or far, isn’t just about resting or exploring new places. It’s also about coming home and seeing the familiar with fresh eyes. It’s about discovering that, in fact, it’s nice to get back to the routine. (Or that it isn’t, and perhaps it’s time for a change.)”

Much of my confusion these past few months stemmed from the ups and downs of thinking I wanted something and then not getting it. Rejection is hard in any space, but hits harder when you are unhappy with what you have to fall back on. I stumbled upon a quote that made me view rejection, but also life in general, in a much different light.

In “Theories About the Universe”, author and spoken word poet Blythe Baird shares:

“I am trying to see things in perspective.

My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. Madigan does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf, trying to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself,

Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants but she does not understand how it will hurt.”

So, I ended up quitting my job. And I ended up getting a new one. I have space in between the ending of one and the beginning of the next one, and for that I could not be more grateful. I am using this time to absolutely rejuvenate- sleep in, work out, journal, read. Who knows if I will like the new job. Nobody really knows what anything will be like until they actually do it. But one thing I do know for certain is that I needed this change. Life will look different. It already does. I’ll be able to put energy into relationships and hobbies that I haven’t been able to recently. Especially the relationship I have with myself. I am excited for a new beginning and to see what the next season will bring.

Whether or not I wanted to, I learned a good bit about patience. No matter the ways I tried to resist it, I eventually had to surrender and continue to work hard without the promise of a result. Just like the dog wanting chocolate, I think I also wanted things that were not meant for me. I have developed more trust in the universe because of that.

While external changes cannot always heal internal wounds, sometimes they can give you the space to change how you mend them.

The next time you find yourself stuck in a day, week, month, or year where things do not feel like they are moving- please remember two things.

1. They are moving, just at a different pace than you are used to.

2. There IS a life to be lived in the waiting.

Thank you for reading :) Love you all