Okay I did it!

Now what?

Term: arrival fallacy

Definition: the false assumption that once you reach a goal, you will experience enduring happiness

Time and time again, I claim that once I get there, I’ll finally be happy. Here are some old examples:

• Once I get accepted to my dream college, everything will be set

• If I can get this job, or make this sports team, or get this person to like me- then I’ll finally be content

• After studying for weeks, taking this exam will clear up all worries and freedom will be mine

The funny thing about this mindset is that in the moment, when you want something with every bone in your body, it’s hard to see a future version of yourself that has finally surpassed this all-encompassing feeling. The future - meaning the moments after getting that acceptance letter, receiving the job offer, or taking the exam- feels like an imaginary land where you are forever validated, sure of yourself, and satisfied. Yet more often than not, the excitement fades quickly. With this worry out of the way, new compartments open within your mind for the next worry. It’s as if our minds were conditioned to never leave these compartments open- to fill them as quickly as possible with another anxious thought. Or at least my mind. So it becomes a constant cycle. Worry, achieve, exhale, worry, achieve, exhale. The most frustrating part is that the exhale lasts for about 0.2 seconds of the time we spent worrying and achieving. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to exhale for as long as we were worried? Or longer?

Imagine someone saving up to buy a car. They pick up extra shifts and budget wisely, working hard for months. Money is their main stressor, motivation, and focus. When they finally purchase the car, they are happy and proud of themselves! Yet with this stressor out of the way, their mind begins to wander. Is my job even satisfying? What are my interests? What do I do with my free time - are the relationships in my life valuable? Their worries may begin to shift from monetary worries to emotional worries and be stressed out in an entirely different fashion.

I don’t know about you guys, but I have such a hard time just letting myself feel happy. There is always another thing to check off, another thing to take care of, another thing to worry about or prove to yourself. Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since I moved to Australia. What a wild statement- considering it feels like I have actually been here for months. I’m having an amazing time- truly. I get to meet new people and see new places everyday. I get to observe and watch and take in the beauty of all that is around me. I came here with 0 plans and a hostel booked for an 8 nights and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Yet I began to notice a strange feeling within me that I wasn’t expecting. As I engaged in conversation with other travelers, some that have been here for 6 days and some that have been here for 6 months, they all had something to say about the journey-

“Travel up the East Coast while it’s warm”

“Stay in Sydney and work before you travel”

“If I were you, I’d go see other cities before settling here”

“This is the season to do this and this is the season to do that”

Coming in blind, it’s great to gain perspective of those on similar solo journeys. But I couldn’t help to feel a pit in my stomach as I heard more and more differing opinions. I started to think to myself- So what is the best way to do this? Silly silly me. I grounded myself and realized that everyone is on a completely different journey than I am. I decided I’ll take what I can and leave the rest. Meeting so many people all at once, all on their own crazy journey, can make you feel inspired. But it can also make you feel influenced. I share this because it’s a perfect example of arrival fallacy. I finally made it to Australia, I did the thing, and here I am getting stressed about if I’m doing it the “right way”? Realizing this helped me to separate from it and remind myself I’m here to enjoy.

I don’t think that any physical change can or will lead to a permanent state of contentment. Don’t get me wrong. Moving to a new place or getting a new job or beginning a new relationship can obviously have a strong effect on how you feel. Getting out of a toxic relationship could free up your life in unimaginable ways and moving to a new city could offer opportunities that you may never have experienced in your old one. I find that the trouble occurs when we rely too heavily on these changes to make us happy. We find ourselves waiting for “this” or “that” to occur before we put in any work to be happy.

This past summer, I was listening to a podcast called The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos in which the specific episode was titled “The Unhappy Millionaire”. The idea of this episode was super interesting, as it explained an experiment in which people of different socioeconomic statuses were interviewed about their happiness and stress levels. The two scientists conducting the experiment wanted to figure out the ways in which annual salary in the US correlates to different measures of well-being. What they found: income does effect well-being- but, only for those at lower salaries. The effect of income on well-being levels out way quicker than one may think. If you earn ten to twenty thousand dollars, then earning more will surely make you feel less stressed and happier. Yet, once you begin earning around seventy-five to eighty thousand dollars a year, doubling or tripling this amount will not have a strong effect on well-being. This concept is referred to as hedonic adaptation, - “the tendency of us mere humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major recent positive or negative events or life changes". They explain the details way better in the episode- I highly recommend a listen.

In another portion of this episode , the host speaks to Clay Cockrell- clinical social worker and psychotherapist in New York City. Clay’s job is interesting because he works with a very particular clientele- super wealthy people in the 1% of the 1%. He explains that his name got passed around this circle due to his lack of judgement: Clay views the issue of “struggling for a place to park a yacht” as a valid stressor which makes his clients comfortable opening up. From his clients, Clay has learned that money surely doesn’t buy happiness. Even the richest of the rich find themselves in a “new normal” where they yearn for more money. If they could just buy this one painting or book a room at this famous hotel then surely they would feel more satisfied than they do now. All in all, I think this illustrates that arrival fallacy is a human condition. No matter how little money you have. No matter how much money you have. No matter if you are happily married or desperately single or have a job or don’t. The brain will always be wanting more, naturally.

Soooooooooo- now that we know this information, what can we do with it? I’ve been trying to think of some solution, some magical fix to this problem. While I haven’t come up with one yet, and don’t know if I ever will- I think that we can start with awareness. By knowing that our minds are always going to be searching for the next stressor, we can combat this natural reaction. We can actively cut out time and space to celebrate when something works out. Force ourselves to have an hour, a day, a week, to FEEL happy about it and remind ourselves of it throughout that time. We can notice the mind drifting to the next stressor and put a stop to it. Literally write it down and tell yourself you’ll worry about it tomorrow. We can CHOOSE to be happy and proud and content for just a bit.

To practice awareness, we can write a gratitude list, take a long walk and be present, or open our eyes to everything in our lives that we worked to create. Things that are already happening fluidly in the day to day because of hard work from our past. Relationships we’ve built, homes we’ve filled with love, pets that bring us joy, jobs we have become good at, pursuits that have come to fruition, and our entire being and personality that we have cultivated to this day. You have a lot to be proud of. We all do. Instead of getting obsessive about about your to-do lists, stressors, and worries of tomorrow, let’s sit for a second and look around. Smile at all that is present thus far. At all that you’ve created. Stop climbing the ladder for just a second and chill right where you are.

I will leave you with these words- remember when you wanted what you currently have?