Change

Fighting it, Accepting it, and Wondering about it

Change comes in all forms.

It comes at obvious times- after moments measured by markers and labels such as marriage, graduation, getting a new puppy, or moving to a new place. These changes are anticipated. Known. Prepared for. And widely honored by society.

Yet change also comes in less obvious formats- the change that takes place after realizing something painful (or beautiful). Change of heart after coming to terms with a fact you’ve been struggling to accept. Change of pattern in your schedule after learning a new hobby you really enjoy. Change in thoughts after seeing an inspiring movie. Or having an inspiration conversation. Or listening to a song as you look out the window on any form of public transportation and pretending that you are now the main character of a movie and that you should probably carry yourself as so. (LOL) Although that last example may not be relatable to those less dramatic than me, I have always been a large advocate of putting in headphones and looking out the window. While it may not spark a life-changing revelation or launch a sudden realization, there is always beauty to be found within the mix of nature-watching and music-listening.

ANYWAYS-

I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like I’ve been experiencing a lot of change lately. In my relationships, in my daily routine, in my worries and stresses, in my sources of validation, and in my thoughts. I’ve been learning and growing and changing my mind and allowing myself to react to situations differently than I ever have before. I’ve been naturally reacting to feelings in a new way- the mere symbol of change, right? Things don’t feel super stable- and I’m allowing it. My relationships don’t feel as concrete and as present and I usually prefer them to feel- and I’m allowing it. Where I usually embody nostalgic behavior by reaching and grasping for the past, holding on tightly to memories and checking in with friends to make sure they didn’t forget about me- I am simply standing still. I am observing the world around me and trying to make sense of it all. I’m deciding that I no longer want to be in a fight against time. It’ll pass- and I want to let it. Seamlessly. Because frankly, it’s going to anyway.

My season of change was anticipated as I graduated from college a few months ago. The harsh reality I’m facing is that from now on, nothing will ever look the same. Be the same. Feel the same. So I am left with a choice. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Or is this just simply a ~thing~.

I remember hearing a story (that I am about to completely botch) about a Chinese farmer. One day his horse ran away. That night, all of the neighbors came by his home and extended their apologies to him, saying how awful it was that this happened. The farmer just said “maybe”. The next day the horse came back and with it, brought 2 other perfect horses alongside him (or her). The neighbors came back and gathered around saying how WONDERFUL this actually was. The farmer, still, just said “maybe”. The next day, the farmers son was trying to train one of the new horses, yet he ended up falling off and breaking his leg. The neighbors came around once again to extend their apologies and exclaimed how unfortunate that was. Again, the farmer just said “maybe”. The very next day (and I promise this is almost over), military officers came around the neighborhood in hopes of recruiting able-young men. Luckily, since the son had a broken leg, he was not seen fit for the army and got to remain home with his family.

This story has always stuck with me because it shows that right now, you simply only have one perspective. You have only one vantage point of looking at your life because you cannot see further into the future. You can’t see how things actually could make sense or how things actually could work out because the place that you are sitting right now is the present.

So, back to making a choice. Rather than viewing events and feelings and thoughts that take place within this weird pocket of time as “good” or “bad”, I am going to simply choose “maybe”. Just as the Chinese farmer would advise: maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. We aren’t meant to know. It is not our job to make sense of it all.

If you are also in a period of change- whether it’s one that society acknowledges or one that is rather hard to describe- just know you are not alone. Give yourself grace and love. Let yourself be IN it. If this period of change causes discomfort and pain, hold on to the fact that it will not last forever. Luckily for us, the only constant is change.